We’re in bed. You’re fast asleep beside me, but I won’t be drifting off for a few more hours.
Lately, I’ve been having flashbacks of the times before L was born. Before we were parents. Like that time we went trick-or-treating barefoot, or our day trip to Chattanooga when we went rock climbing and ate fantastic chili burgers.
We didn’t realize just how easy we had it then. At that time, our biggest problems were having to miss a day of work or getting stuck in traffic on the way home.
There’s a part of me, a big part, that’s grieving for you. Back then, you were my whole world. We had no obligations outside of our jobs and each other.
Now, another day has ended and we didn’t get to play your favorite game, and dinner was an hour and a half late. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get L settled long enough to make that happen for you. You didn’t even complain.
Watching you grow into fatherhood has been breathtaking. From day one, you’ve held your son every opportunity you could, fed him when I was running behind, and picked out his little outfits. When he was in the NICU, you were always so careful to make sure we weren’t a minute late to his feeding times. Watching you read with him lying on your chest filled my heart with so much joy. Anyone can see you love him more than anything.
But I know you’ve made sacrifices. The medical bills, especially from the complications, all add up so quickly. You don’t get as much sleep now, and you come home so tired from the long hours you work. Yet you still summon enough energy to keep our little son entertained and happy.
Right now, he’s too little to really understand, but he does love you. Heck, you’re the first one he’s ever reached for! I wouldn’t be surprised if “dad” was his first word, too.
I’d be okay with that.
I know as he gets older he’ll start to look up to you. You’ll be his hero, the one he comes running through the house to greet at the end of the day. “Daddy’s home!”
Before you even get your shoes off, he’ll be begging you to take him outside to play, or work on whatever project you have planned, and you’ll gladly go with him.
When I think about all the possibilities of our future together, I’m unable to speak. Like when we move to the mountains and raise L on our very own land. You’ll be his first fishing buddy, his first hunting trip. The one who teaches him how to shoot and build his own guns.
There’s no one else that I think is more capable of raising our son than you. The love you have for him is beyond words, and I look forward to that growing even more as L does. I know that he’ll go on to be the best husband and daddy he can possibly be…because he’ll learn that from you.Thank you for your promise to love us both unconditionally for the rest of our life.
But for now, I’ll hold you tight as you sleep and look forward to your arrival from work tomorrow.
I love you.